Yesterday was an awesome day, no question. Today, I remained horizontal as punishment for the awesomeness. Skipped the daily walk, didn’t house clean like a maniac. Just napped and stayed in bed. ALLLLLLLLLLL day. Ohmygoodness, this is so not who I am.
The moods and thoughts really get to me, you know? I mean, I know Becky is here for me no matter what. I can, and do, have extended chats with God all day every day. I just feeling somehow blocked from saying what I really mean, really feel.
I have had mostly good news, and I should be relieved. I AM relieved. But I am still sitting here, waiting, while my insurance haggles over my health. Everyone says my plate is not as full as it used to be. But inside, the plate is still a buffet. I still have cancer. It is just sitting here, inside me, like a ticking time bomb. And NOTHING is happening to fix it. Not anything tangible that I can actually feel relief over. I am scared, and sick, and happy, and angry, and so very tired every single second. I try to be cheerful, and silly, and humorous — but there are days I just don’t have any of those things going on for me.
Today is that day. I don’t know if it is my own impatience, or the fact that I am used to being able to do every single thing I set my mind to and now that isn’t reality for me, or… Well, fill in the blank as you will.
So, sorry for the whining. Or venting. Not sure which it is really. I just know that I feel…too much. I feel too much in every moment, so it seems one woman can hardly contain it all.