This week is off to a phenomenal start. *sarcasm*

I haven’t slept in about three nights, I guess because of nerves (although I blame Havoc the cat, since he continually tries to molest me in my sleep).  And of course, when I don’t sleep, I become little Miss Charming.  (Do I need to type the word sarcasm again here?  No, I don’t think so.)

So, I am fairly hard to live with these days.  Driving poor Beck up a tree, which, let’s face it, I do on my good days anyway. 🙂

I guess we broke up for the fifth time this morning, for about 90 seconds.  I am pretty much an “all or nothing” person, so I do NOT ever say those words unless I absolutely mean them.  Beck, however, has a flash in the pan temperament and blurts things that she really only means for 90 seconds.  This is hard for me to understand.

She is under so much pressure to handle not only her “stuff,” but all of this cancer “stuff,” and it’s making it hard for her to feel good at all.  And it’s driving me insane.  I want to take some of the pressure off of her.  I just don’t know how to do that.  She says just to let her talk about it, or bitch about it, or whatever type of venting, and then not to think about it anymore.  But I am a fixer – if I know the problem exists, I am absolutely compelled to try to fix it.  Only some things cannot be fixed.  So, when I express any kind of desire to fix it, it creates conflict.  The problem with conflict right now?  I don’t have the energy for it.  Really, at this point I am just removing from my life those people who drain me – that’s how I have been managing conflict.  Only that logic doesn’t apply to being with the person you love.

One of these days, I’m pretty certain she will mean it for more than 90 seconds.  But I am not willing to throw away what I have on the basis of what will happen down the road.

I so desperately need a nap.  Or a good cry.  Or to break something.  Sigh.  I have to turn it around, because I go to the surgeon again today and watch my baby girl get an award from the mayor tonight.  Okay, chapter closed.  Bad mood locked up.  Better day ahead.  Blessings…