I have been having a lot of Fitzgerald moments lately… Especially one of his quotes that burned itself into my brain years ago: “…and so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past…”
All of this recent experience has thrown my gaze backwards at times, looking back at life. When your Mother has cancer twice while you are growing up, I guess dealing with cancer your ownself tends to make that early experience look a little different.
It’s so strange to look at my upbringing, to look at my University experience, to look back on my marriage from this vantage point now.
I have reached a point, mentally, where it feels as though coming through this experience makes me fearless. Compared to this, why on earth would I be afraid of conflict or confrontation? Despite that, I find myself regrouping: turning inward, withdrawing, gearing up in a way that is more solitary than anything else.
And I wonder why that is? Does cancer just lead to a sense of isolation? Or do I think my feelings are so unacceptable that I just bottle them up?
You can only move forward so far in life without resolving what you have tried to leave behind. Then, at some point, you just get stuck.
An odd rambling post…in fact, I am puzzled as to what is bubbling up inside of me. Still, as always, blessings to all…