Yes, I seem to constantly steal from song lyrics over here. By now I am sure you have all figured out that I write these words as my main therapeutic outlet, more than I do for any other reason. Except for the poetry, that just is what it is. 🙂 And today it is “One Headlight” because it mostly feels like I am driving without all the illumination I should have.
It seems I have been spending several hours when I should be sleeping just writing things out and trying to reach some level of acceptance. I have always been fiercely independent, to the point of being solitary. I have also always been ridiculously stubborn. I never accept my own limitations, I just push through them.
This is the first time in my life that I am unable to simply mow down whatever obstacles are blocking me. This is the first time I have discovered myself to have limitations. They may be temporary, but they are still there. For this summer, at least, life has to be pretty different from what my children and I are used to: I’m not going to really be allowed around crowds, and crowds can’t come to me. I’m expected to rest and recover and not do…all those millions of things I do on a daily basis. I have to learn to say “no” to everyone around me, whereas I am used to being the girl who just jumps up and takes off to go camping, or do whatever at any given moment.
This is an entirely new kind of learning curve for me. I don’t know how to slow down, or stop, and God knows I am “indispensable” to my family – they don’t know how to see me slow down or stop either. 🙂
These are things that go through my mind between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m., when I should be sleeping. The good news is, Havoc the cat is thrilled by my nocturnal wanderings through the house, as he enjoys the company at that hour. The bad news is, the sun is shining, and I am fully ready for bed. It makes for a long Monday.
Blessings to you all with the start of the week…