Well, my writing today is just going to be bizarre. I should have saved that stream of consciousness title for today.
I have talked a lot today. A ton, in fact, even for me. And I’m extremely frustrated anyway. I’ve reached a combination, mentally, of Dierks Bentley and The Dixie Chicks. (Speaking of which, why on earth am I thinking in country music today?)
It’s been an interesting day, in a Chinese-curse-kind-of-interesting couple of weeks. I’m tired, sick, sad, and low. And not at all any of those things, all at the same time. I have clarity…mixed with massive indecision. I have to hide in my cave again and forge a plan for my children and I, in the face of all that is happening now, and what is yet to come.
Tonight, I received a phone call from someone who felt the need to tell me she thinks that, just maybe, if it weren’t for the fact that I am Suzy Homemaker/Miss Mommy, my girlfriend just wouldn’t be around. Interesting (refer to that Chinese Curse again)… If she didn’t “need” me, would she really be here at all? It poses an interesting question. As another interesting aside, I don’t know what to do with people who await that moment to catch me alone and tell me things for my own good. Are they giving me a gift? Are they messing with me? I just don’t know. But it was amazing timing considering how the day had gone.
I am, at the best of times, a difficult woman. I am opinionated and nerdy and primarily focused on my children and used to calling all of the shots. I have been the only adult in my household for 9 years. But, you know what? Although I know I am not what anyone would really want if they listed a million and one things they need in a partner or a wife, I know that who I am is often overlooked. People don’t see…me. They see the package, they don’t ask questions, and they prefer easy street. When I love, I love with all that I am, even though it may not always be the very best idea for my own health and well being.
Tonight I am on my own (translation: I am the only adult here with five children haha). I had cuddle time, and story time, dinner time, etc… The kids just about loved the skin off of me, and it was perfect. I would have had way more children myself if my life had gone differently. I’m having a really hard time with that particular verb tense, because that part of my life is irrevocably behind me now – not only because of choices, but because of cancer. And it is a kind of death.
Not a real death, of course, I don’t mean for it to sound that selfish or melodramatic or “insert adjective here.”
I read Dr. Seuss to the youngest two boys tonight, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go,” and despite all of the progress that has been made, despite ALL of the steps that have been taken, I am still in The Waiting Place.
Only now I have to figure out what exactly I am waiting for…
So, for now, goodnight. Blessings to all…