So, to highlight my Friday Philosophy post on optimism, I’m going to share something a little bit uncomfortable with you all.

When I was growing up, I was staunchly opposed to the idea of giving birth to any children. I thought I might adopt a child when I grew up, but I was definitely never, ever, ever going to give birth. Nope, not me, no way. Of course, I grew up and had two children.

After I had my first child, I felt like I wanted maybe 4 or even 6 children. When I was single with my two kiddos, I was firmly in reality. After I had my son I felt, emotionally, that I was done. No more ideas of 4 (or more) children, having two was just absolutely perfect. Emotionally, I’m still there. I am immensely blessed by the brilliant and healthy children I have.

You are probably all thinking, “So what?” at this point. 🙂 I’m beating around the bush a little.

So, at this point in my life, even if I wanted to have more children I am categorically unable to do so. No ovaries, no uterus, and a defective gene to boot.

Yesterday I was invited to a party/sort of baby shower thing for a woman I have never met. It was off the cuff, just a “I told Lara you guys should bring the kids and come.” Lara had never mentioned it to me. It isn’t happening for another week. The honoree actually had her baby a few months ago, but she is visiting town for the first time since then, so there you have it. I guess it’s a “welcome baby shower.”

I do not want to attend. I can’t even begin to explain it, but it upsets me somehow. I love babies. Babies are absolute miracles. And still…I have a little emotional hitch in my stride and want to bow out of this one event.

Where did that even come from? Something about the fact that I CANNOT have children is just…very final. Maybe it’s the finality of the whole thing that is bothering me.

I choose to focus instead on the beautiful family I have, not the loss. It doesn’t make the loss any less real, any less present, or any less painful. I just know I am blessed and lucky to be here, alive, in this moment with these babies of mine, with my sweet other half.

Still, I think it might be wise to maintain that focus and not rub salt into the wound of my new normal.

Blessings to you all…