Day Six was my second day of rest. Sort of. I mean, we played basketball at the park, I planted an aloe plant (our first), and I had to carry the twenty pound furball known as our younger dog through the clinic line for her shots today. Twenty pounds starts to feel a lot more like forty after ten minutes. 🙂 I think that may have counted as strength training for today.
In exchange for the veterinary horror I was forced to inflict as a good dog mom today, I have sacrificed my side of the bed. She may be small, but that little dog can take up half of a California King with minimal effort.
The remainder of the day has been spent in quiet reflection, and occasional tears. Lara, Maddie, Moses and I have been through a lot of huge changes and transitions in the past six weeks. Somehow, cancer almost looks simpler in retrospect: there was one focus, and we lived in a bubble. This life after cancer has come with multiple layers, and believe me, they have reduced us to tears as easily as an onion.
Six weeks ago, I said goodbye to a friend. Through multiple circumstances, sad circumstances, it turned out to be a more final goodbye than I would normally be comfortable with. Sometimes, we have to let go of people, not just for self-preservation, but for them too. That loss was offset by many positive things, and wonderful, loving, positive people. Still, it was a loss. And I grieve. We all grieve. I have had two women I considered to be close friends, who are virtually lost to me at this point. Our lives diverged, WILDLY, circumstances were far too complicated, just…life. Looking back at this paragraph, I realize it sounds as though a friend of mine died. It sort of feels that way.
In the midst of that, our Zoe had to be put to sleep. Active grieving ensued.
Today came with more transitions, more losses for us, coming faster than I can really process. Tears are carthartic, but they seem so insufficient.
Our hearts are at peace. Sad, but at peace. We are moving forward, trusting that all is well, all will be well… As the movie said, “In the end, everything will be alright. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”
Anyway, a strange, sad, rambling post. Just where things are, where we are at this tiny moment in time. So, I lie in bed, crammed in with a small, stressed out dog. 🙂
Blessings to you all…and some Robert Frost to ponder — “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
And some music to add…